arch | The Press

A lady we'll call MH came to remind me on my Facebook page that I still have some crusts to eat before I'm a model citizen, with these pithy words: "Watching Second Chance tonight, I was surprised (disappointed?) to find that you were wearing a Canada Goose... Ark coat.”

I took it for granted.

(Deuxième chance is a show I co-host on Radio-Canada and Canada Goose is a brand of warm winter coats, perfect for our harsh Quebec winters.)

I imagine that MH is an animal's best friend, and since Canada Goose coats are made with bird feathers, in her universe, I conclude that IT IS NOT OK.

Judging by the number of photos of birds on his Facebook page, I imagine that's why MH thought it best - useful, necessary, urgent, even - to come and tell a complete stranger that his clothing choices are ark, pitiful, without further explanation, because in the universe of people whose lives revolve around a cause, that cause is self-explanatory.

I'm not saying Canada Goose is right to make their coats out of bird feathers. I am not saying that animals are happy to be plucked so that we can make warm coats.

I just find that being a Good Person is getting harder and harder, because there are more and more rules - written and unwritten - being enforced with more and more zeal by more and more people hyper galvanized by the cause that is dear to them, a cause that comes to supplant all the others in their eyes.

Let's say that that's a lot of people giving fines of taste, style, propriety to all winds.

I'm not saying these causes are bad. I say there are many, many causes that come to define many, many people. That's a lot of decent police lieutenants who take it upon themselves to let you know you're a sickening tab* for not keeping up with the parade that their life didn't have without. of meaning.

No Canada Goose, then. No Made in China coat. Vacations, yes, but not on a plane. At worst, in an electric tank. No wood stove.

No electric tank, the manufacture of an electric car being more polluting - it seems - than the carbon footprint of a petrol car.

No tank, period. A vacation, so, OK. But by bike (by bike made in Quebec). No meat. No all-inclusive. No Chilean bass, no Thai shrimp. No greased pig race.

No straws, it gets stuck in turtles' noses. And plastic creates oceans of waste in the oceans, it is well known.

So no plastic bags. No plastic packaging. No packaging, period. Zero waste, it's a minimum. ***

I specify here that I do not necessarily disagree with all these written and unwritten rules, rules that must be followed in order not to be a bad citizen, a bad person.

I say I'm lost, I say I can't wait for the book of rules - of ALL the rules - that will help me become - and stay - a Good Person.

A book that OBVIOUSLY won't be printed on virgin paper, but instead will be printed on recycled paper, which "saves the equivalent of 9 trees, saves 32,001 liters of water", as I read at the end of a book during my holiday vacation, vacation that I took in Quebec, in a chalet where there was unfortunately a wood stove.

(The book is called Paper Towns by Dominique Fortier, a book of delicate beauty that imagines the inner life of the American poet Emily Dickinson, of which here is a nice excerpt: “Emily is not fooled. His poems are not paper children. They are, at most, snowflakes...»)

Speaking of snow, before I forget...

No snow blower, ever, not even after this weekend's snowfall. (By the way, you have to say "weekend", because of the anglicization that awaits us.)

***

No Nutella, Nutella is made with palm oil, and palm oil is deforestation.

No grass, grass eats way too much water. No almonds either, growing almonds requires way too much water.

Not too many clothes, please, the textile industry is killing the planet.

Nothing but breast milk, ever.

Speaking of milk, do not recycle the plastic collar that is under the cap of the pint of milk without cutting said collar: the beaks of birds can get stuck in it (I read this on the Facebook page of HD mentioned above).

No religion jokes. No offensive jokes. No zoos. Veganism, veganism, veganism. At worst, vegetarianism.

No non-free-range-hens-that-don't-get-a-massage-three-times-a-week.

No declawed cats. No cats going outside. No pets purchased from pet stores.

No dreads if you're white. No fur.

Not the song Baby, It's Cold Outside. Not the book To Kill a Mockingbird. Not the Tom Sawyer book. Not Tintin.

In the cinema, in the theatre: no gay who plays a non-gay. No handicapped step playing a handicapped person.

Not the word "disabled": it should say "disabled person".

Not the term "person with a disability", by the way, the rule has changed since the last paragraph, it should rather say "person with a disability".

How to say “person experiencing homelessness” or “person experiencing poverty”. They are thus better housed and less poor, in order.

No tablet, the environmental footprint of our smart gadgets is killing the planet.

No iPhone, then. No tablet for 5 years.

For women: no makeup, no Photoshop, no plastic surgery, no bra, no veil, no cleavage.

No Native American headdresses in Osheaga. Or anywhere else. No gendered toys. No toy guns. Did I say veganism? Recycle. Compost. Reuse.

Buying a basket of vegetables from a farmer who harvests his tomatoes and carrots by sail tractor less than 32 km from home.

No GMOs. No tug-of-war with your child. No running in the schoolyard, no dodgeball. No pink room for baby Jade. No blue room for baby Thomas. No gendered colors. No gender, by the way. No “He” or “She” at UQAM. No Fortnite. No gluten. No “Mademoiselle”.

Not say the word "old", say "relatively aging person".

No children, we're too much on the planet, it's killing the planet. This list will be out of date in a month.